Yeah, Write

New Fees Effective Immediately

You may or may not remember this post from the Yeah, Write archives. (If you DO remember it, you deserve a gold star, my friend. We have been blogging pals for nearly two years.)

It was inspired by this page from Real Simple magazine:

And here are MY new fees, effective immediately:

• Eating cold cereal in my presence when I am not also eating cold cereal: $.50 per spoonful
  Pet peeve of all pet peeves. The slurping of the milk, the scraping of the spoon, the overall cacophony of unpleasant sounds! If solo cereal eating begins, I must immediately depart the room, lest I charge the fine listed above.
  
  
• Diva baby clothing: $12.99 per outfit
  Clothing manufacturers, please do not put the phrases "Little Diva," "Brat in Training," or similar on any baby or child-sized outfits of any kind, especially when they're hidden at the bottom of a three-pack of bibs that were otherwise cute and innocent. They might as well say, "Future Heinous B*tch." I personally am doing my best not to raise one of those.
  
  
• Posting vague, veiled "Facebook bombs" as status updates: $650
  Example: "When will a certain person grow up and realize that the whole entire world doesn't revolve around YOU, you selfish cow?" And then all your Facebook friends scan their recent interactions with you to discover if they're the culprit. I've seen many variations of this childish antic, and it must stop!
  
  (Exception: It is fine to publicly slam the anonymous lady who cut in front of you at the grocery store, or the driver who flipped you off on the freeway, because all of your FB friends will know that they are not the guilty party. If you're going to lecture someone on Facebook, be at least a little bit specific, so those you're NOT lecturing can rest easy. Can you tell I feel strongly about this? I've had too many conversations with people wondering, "Do you think Tracy was referring to me? Should I say something to her? I really didn't know she took it that way!")

• Discovery Health Freakshows: $5 per episode
  Since Keira was born, I'm watching a lot more middle-of-the-night television. I love freaky medical mysteries as much as the next person, but it's starting to border on circus-style exploitation. The show 30 Rock gave a nod to this trend by listing a fake (and hilarious) show called: "The Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary." To that I add my contribution: "Half-Ton Pregnant Teens who are Addicted to Eating Laundry Detergent."

• Teachers who are Facebook friends with your teen: $9 per student
  Especially when said teacher has dedicated her entire FB profile to a narrow political platform, from which she is preaching to your teen. Inappropriate! I LOVE the approach a teacher friend shared with me, "All of my students think I'm the same political persuasion they are."

• Machine callers: $35 per call
  Recently, 24 Hour Fitness was attempting to reach me. I'd get a phone call from a machine that wanted to leave me a message. If I'd answer the phone, the message would not play. If my answering maching picked up, the machine would leave a phone number to call them back. When I called back, they were either closed or had ridiculous wait times. Argh!

• Fiskars Fingertip Craft Knife: $50
  Worst. Product. Name. Ever. So it's a craft knife that cuts off fingertips? This is indeed a fabulous product that I use regularly (and all of my fingertips are currently intact), but it has a most unfortunate name.
  
  
• Doctor's Offices with a 3-Step Appointment Confirmation Process: one office-visit copay
  Keira's pediatrician is wonderful, but I detest the office's appointment reminder system. I make an appointment, and I write it down. Then I start getting reminder calls a week before that require me to call back and confirm that I will indeed show up at the appointment. (The making of the appointment WAS the confirmation.) I keep getting calls until I respond to one. I vastly prefer the "call us back if you won't make it" policy. And if I don't make it, feel free to charge me for an office visit. Just STOP CALLING ME.

Thank you.

 

Baby Photos: 7 Months Old

Welcome to "Old News Weekend." Or, in honor of the vintage craze, let's call the next few posts "Vintage News." I'm trying to keep up with everything folks, I really am. And better late than never is a motto I live by.

In any case, Keira Jane Lucas turned 7 months old on May 2, 2011, which means it's almost time to take her 8 month photos! Here's how cute she was 3 weeks ago.

"I'm not very good at the numbers thing yet, but this is a pretty big one. I'm 7 months? Already?"

"Let me check the belly sticker package...yep, that's right! It says right here...7 months old."

"I've got an idea! Hand me your camera lens cover, mommy, and I promise not to cry. Now if you take it away from me, I WILL cry, I'm just warning you. But as long as I have it in my hand, I'll look at the camera and cooperate. Deal?"

"You didn't think I was serious, did you? This shows you just how serious I am. (And by the way, do you like my teeth?)"

"I've got the lens cap, but I'm still a little but upset. Give me a second while I collect myself."

"There. How's this? This is me, pontificating. I've got big plans and dreams on my mind right now. This lens cap really helps me think. Thanks for understanding."

"There. And here's my sweet-as-an-angel sidelong glance, with my hand raised in perfect, delicate, baby chubbiness. Also, I've decided Nikon doesn't need quite so much free press."

Journaling Prompt
Try the technique above with photos of your own! Choose a set of photos and study them for a second to imagine what the subject would say if he, she, or it could talk. It's especially fun with baby or pet photos, but it can also be quite rewarding with photos of one's spouse who may or may not be very comfortable sharing "feelings" or whatever—just share them for him!

Disaster Disclaimer
I always feel awkward blogging about happy things when there are people suffering so much—both close to home and far away. I don't know about you, but it is a constant struggle for me to empathise truly and sincerely without dissolving into a quivering heap of sadness when I think of all the misery in the world.

Today, I spent the afternoon with a 7-year-old little girl whose needs just broke my heart. I have an extended family member who's in extreme distress. I got an email from a friend of a friend of a friend living near Joplin, Missouri, that made me want to hop in my car immediately and help in the rescue and clean-up efforts. And my chest tightens whenever I think of the devastation in Japan.

Yes, sometimes I feel the weight of the world so acutely.

So I remind myself that saving the world at large is not my job. But there are certain people at certain times who are my job, and I pray I'll always know who they are and be able (and willing) to help. Right now, I have a baby and a stepson (now living with us full time) who have very real needs, and I'm humbled and honored that I have the calling and the capacity to meet those needs daily. So I serve them with all my heart, and I do what I can in my own little corner of the world. Then, with what's left over, I reach out when and where I can.

For everyone else, I'm grateful for prayer and miracles, hope and helping hands. May they find their way to those in the greatest need tonight.

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Thoughts About Thank You Notes

Confession: I kind of suck at thank-you notes.

I want to be better at it. I have every intention of sending them immediately after the nice thing has been done, but it usually takes me weeks (and, gasp, sometimes months) to actually follow-through. I LIKE writing them. I LIKE making them. I LIKE thinking of the kind words to write in the card. I LIKE it when people know that they've made a difference in my life. And yet the task rarely makes it to the top of my to-do list.

When Keira Jane arrived, with just a few weeks notice, there was a tremendous outpouring of gifts and love and support. I have SO many people to thank, and I am sincerely grateful for every onesie, every pair of hand-knitted baby booties, every mix CD of tried-and-true baby lullabies, every blanket, bib, and bonnet. And my heart is still deeply touched by a handful of blog readers whom I don't know in person who sent wonderful gifts (a Dr. Seuss bath set, Dr. Brown's colic-reducing baby bottle, elephant onesies, and more).

Still, more than half of my thank-you cards remain unwritten or unmailed. Is that a sign of ingratitude?

I hope not. It's more a sign of the general insanity of my daily schedule--and the fact that I don't quite have a grasp of it all yet. I am working, slowly, to bring more order to the chaos of my daily existence as a new mom, small business owner, Primary President (the lady in charge of the instruction of 50+ children at church each week), wife/housekeeper, and chauffer to a teenager whose school and job are both more than 20 minutes from home. But that's no excuse. You're busy, too, and you manage to send your thank-you notes within the standard grace period. Just please stop rubbing it in.

I'm thinking this product could really come in handy for people like me:

One reason this is on my mind is this: in my life, I have encountered a few proud members of the thank-you-note militia. I have one acquaintance who shall remain nameless (and who never ever reads this blog, or any blog for that matter, so I'm safe here) who keeps a detailed mental list of all the nice things she has done for and sent to other people, with a little mental check box next to each that says "thank you note received?"

I've heard from her several times, "Can you believe it's been X of weeks/months, and still no thank-you note?" I actually can believe it, I think to myself before quickly scanning the recent past for occasions that might require such a note to her from me.

But for me, all this does is make me dread her every kind deed, since the weight of the thank-you-note expectation is very off-putting, and I'm constantly debating whether a certain kindess will make her "required thank-you note" checklist or not. (Tip: when in doubt, send the note.) I should probably schedule a thank-you note to her once a year in my planner, just to cover my bases.

The thing is, I like to send thank-you notes because I'm genuinely thankful, not because I am afraid of incurring the wrath of the giver. And sadly, this particular giver has been known to swear off future kind deeds to individuals from whom she has not received adequate gratitude. And personally, I think this denies her the genuine pleasure of being kind to another human being without expecting something in return.

In an attempt to make a virtue out of my vice, I never ever notice if a thank-you note is owed to me and never arrives. If I perform a random act of kindness (or a scheduled one, either way), it's because I love and care for the person in question, no strings attached. If a thank-you note arrives, it's a wonderful surprise and it absolutely brightens my day. If it doesn't arrive, I never even notice.

All of this rambling aside, please rest assured that if you created, mailed, dropped off, or otherwise delivered a gift to me and my baby girl, the thank-you note will arrive eventually. And I sincerely hope that's before she turns 1, but I'm not making any promises.

In the meantime, may I say to all of you, with utmost sincerity:


So what do you think? Are you a member of the thank-you note militia? Or are you a little more like me? I'd love to hear your thoughts about thank yous. (And please don't say, "Just imagine how many thank-you notes you could have written if you'd have just done that instead of writing this blog post!" because that thought occurred to me moments ago. Too late.)

Baby Photos: 4 Months Old

"Hey everybody! It's me again. I'm ready to show off how much I've grown in the last month! (Well, it's really been six weeks. Shhh! My mom doesn't know that I know that.)"

"I don't think I've quite grown into this bow, mom. I look like a bunny rabbit! Let's wait for my head to get a little bigger in relation to the bow, what do you say?"

"Aw, Mom, it's not that I didn't like the bow. Don't be sad. I love it, really! Just save it for when I'm bigger, kay?"

"See? I knew we could get on the same page about this. I'm feeling pretty good about my hair accessories now. But can we talk about this onesie? It's riding up a little."

"And we'd really be in business if I could get this stupid sticker off my chest. It's bad enough that I have a tattoo that won't wash off... What, mom? Stop tugging at my clothes? Okay, I'll cooperate. Wait for it..."

"Bam! There's your money shot. It may take 35 tries, but you know I always deliver."

These photos brought to you thanks to 40 Top Tips for Better Photos, where author Rebecca Cooper's tips about shooting in natural light with a black backdrop finally sunk in for me. Amateur though I am, my photos are improving.

One Reason Not to Space Your Children 16 Years Apart

You might change your baby's diaper one morning to find that she has been mysteriously tattoed overnight.

And of course you'll have a mini heart attack, because at first it looks like an enormous bruise. And then you'll (rightly) realize that your husband probably had something to do with it, too. And then you'll be grateful that, if your teen is going to temporarily tattoo your baby with a rock-band icon,  he at least has decent taste in music.

(Speaking of baby tattoos, did you hear about the misguided young man who permanently tattooed a baby he was watching for the day? Even worse, it wasn't even his own baby! Terrible.)

Overly Expressive Face Syndrome

Ever wonder what your face looks like when you're not thinking about your face at all?

Well, among all the people and products discovered at CHA, I did a bit of self discovery as well.

While I've always known that I have a very expressive face* (and not always in a good way), I don't always like to be confronted with the evidence. You might say I'm quite expressional.**

Wendy sweetly took some candids with my camera at CHA, many of which turned out quite nicely. But not these.

Yep, I'm a real charmer. Good thing I had a cute little disctraction strapped to my chest. Pay no attention to the lady behind the baby.

FOOTNOTES
* Examples of Overly Expressive Face Syndrome (OEFS) in Angie's past:
1. Frequently when we were younger, my sister would walk into the room, take one look at my expression, and say, "Okay, what's wrong with my hair?" Me: "Oh, nothing! Why? Was I making a face?" My sister: "Yeah. Out with it."  Me: "Well, there IS something going on with your bangs."

2. I've repeatedly had to be nudged by close friends and relatives as a reminder to wipe the pity off of my face, most notably in situations when one's pity should be kept to oneself. Strangers never need to know that you feel sorry for them.

3. My husband will say, "Does this shirt look okay with these pants?" I'll answer verbally, but he doesn't listen to what I say. He just peers at my face. Him: "Okay, I'll go change." Me: "I didn't say that!" Him: "Yes, you did."

Note: Sometimes my face reflects what's on my mind rather than what I'm looking at (which are not always the same), and this frequently gets me into trouble.

** Expressional (adj.): A term used by an apparent off-duty stripper in a cafe in Evanston, Wyoming, to describe my niece, Gillian, when she was a baby. (Long story best saved for another time.) "Wow! She's so expressional!" It is now a beloved Hill family, ahem, expression.

Random Ramblings for Saturday

 1.
My stepson, Jeremy, age 16, has decided to delete his Facebook account. His reasoning is that he's found himself becoming too addicted, and he wants to simplify. He cited the Ghandi quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world." What a cool kid.

(This is the same reason he returned the smart phone that we didn't want him to purchase in the first place. After realizing it was becoming a huge time suck, he returned it in favor of the basic free model that comes with his phone plan.)

I'm glad he's taking a break from Facebook for two reasons:
A) I am now free to say things like "Why is it that when you get three teenage boys together, their individual aromas combine and multiply and manage to take over an entire basement?" on Facebook with immunity.
B) I think teenagers are too "exposed" online. When I was a young, awkward, know-it-all, there was a limit to the number of people who witnessed that stage in my adolescence and/or could document it with screen-capture technology. Today, teens put it all out there for the world to see, having no idea how embarrassed they might be by their antics in the future. Anonymity is not always a bad thing.

2.
It appears that the word "vitriolic" is the new word du jour. If you want to be popular and sound smart, you should use it too. I heard it three times on NPR over the course of one day. There are synonyms, people! Choose from "caustic," "antagonistic," "scathing," "hostile," "venomous," etc.

3.
I thought I was the first person who had ever thought of this, until a quick Internet search proved otherwise. But, without revealing my personal politics, let me just say that when I said the phrase "Obama nation" out loud, I discovered that it's a homonym. Go ahead, say it. Hahaha. The President should dress up as the Obaminable Snowman for Halloween. (Or, feel free to use that idea yourself. All you need is a snowman costume and an Obama/Biden campaign button.)

4.
My niece, Jensyn, a precocious kid if there ever was one, says the best one-liners.

Witness:
At age 4 to a male Costco clerk who had long braids: "You don't see many men with long hair nowadays. Are you an Indian?"
At age 5 while picking up my sister from the airport: "I don't want to go to outer space. I don't like pirates. They have flags."
At age 6 after seeing Tangled in the theater: "Sometimes when I look at the moon I think there are other planets out there that haven't been discovered yet. And that they have rainbows drawn by unicorns."

5.
Why is it possible to be "precocious" but not just "cocious" or especially "postcocious"? I was just wondering.

6.
Babies rule.

Baby Photos: 3 Months Old

"It's time for this again? Already? Well, what if I don't want to share my age?"

"I think I'm going to make you guess. I could be 8 months, or I could be 3 months. How will you ever know? (Besides scrolling down to the next picture, of course.) But before you do that, I'd like to share with you my latest discovery: fingers. They are the best. things. ever."

"Fine, fine. I'll let you see my number. Gosh, people in this culture are so obsessed with age. But now you can't see my face. Ha! (See? Fingers are super useful. I'm so glad I have ten of them.)"

"Wait, why am I messing with you? Bam! There's the money shot. I'm really just an open book, guys. There are no secrets here."

"Enough monkey business. I'm ready for my adorable baby close-up, with just a glimpse of squeezable baby thigh chub. You're welcome."

A Quick Note from Mama:
Ain't she sweet? Now for a little treat for you. The folks at redenvelope.com (I LOVE their site!) have offered Yeah, Write readers an awesome discount code. Use the promotion code PRESENTS10 at checkout to enjoy:
10% off sitewide
15% off $80 or more
OR
20% off $125 or more

There are lots of neat baby gifts (like the 100 Good Wishes growth chart or the handprint canvas kit) and cuddly baby blankets, and lots lots more!

"Wait, wait! One more thing before you go. I'm also pretty good at blowing bubbles and slobbering in general. Just wanted you to know. Thanks for visiting. Until next month..."

My 2011 NOT Shopping List

Open letter to family and friends:

For the second year in a row, I am about to spoil your Christmas surprise by revealing eight items that you will not be receiving from me this year. (Also see last year's list, which is still in effect.)

1. Chew By Numbers Art Board

One word: yuck. Keep your gum where it belongs—stuck to the bottoms of the tables at McDonald's. (Wondering where to find brown gum? It's included in the $14.99 gift package.)

2. Lancome Oscillation Mascara

For just $34, this vibrating mascara brush will deliver 7,000 oscillations per minute, thus "re-creating the application technique of a makeup artist." I'd like to see the makeup artist who can oscillate like that! And I'd venture to say that all the women on my gift list are oscillating just fine on their own.

3. Precious Moments Personalized DVD

There's something a little bit creepy about seeing a frozen human head on a cartoon body. ("Frozen" meaning the expression never changes, rather than the grosser connotation.)  This might be a fun gag gift for a company party, though. Submit the boss's face to the video (just $19.99), and have everyone in stitches! There's nothing quite like getting fired for Christmas.

 

4. Bacon-Flavored Dental Floss

This product definitely outshines last year's Bacon Scarf. But honestly, who wants to go to bed with bacon flavoring between their teeth? If you do, and you're on my Christmas list, you're out of luck. You're also not getting Homemade Bacon Jam this year, so don't get your hopes up. (It's a 3+ hour endeavor!)

5. The Shake Weight

Nothing says "I think you're fat" like the gift of exercise equipment for Christmas. (Unless it was specifically requested, of course.) As lovely and lean as this fitness model may be, this product could have unintended side effects. You think your upper-arm flab is going to behave itself while you're desperately trying to hold on to a vibrating weight? Jiggle city. Usage is best confined to the comforts of your own home, unless you have teenagers, as they will laugh themselves silly.

6. Tooting Angel

While there are surely one or two people on my gift list whose holidays will not be complete until they've been tooted upon by an angel, these people will just have to purchase their own flatulent seraphim.

7. Electronic T-Shirts

Most children I know are loud enough all on their own without giving them option of wearing a set of drums (or a guitar) on their chests all day long. Sorry, nieces and nephews, you'll have to settle for drumming on pots and pans, as these can be taken away from you without requiring a simultaneous change of clothes.


8. Snuggie for Dogs

The marketing materials for the Doggie Snuggie assert that "The Snuggie won't slip and slide like a regular blanket and allows freedom of movement." You know what else doesn't slip and slide? Fur. Yeah, fur is pretty much a built-in blanket. I do get that some doggies (who aren't nearly as tough as Jovie) need sweaters or little parkas for cold winter walks. But this product is designed to be worn inside.

So, what are you hoping to NOT get this year?

Googly Eyes on Toast

Not too long ago, on a lazy summer morning, Jeremy excitedly summoned me into the kitchen to introduce me to "the perfect slice of toast."

No piece of toast, now or ever, could compete with this slice for its iconic and almost cartoon-like shape, its exemplary toastedness, its archetypal color and shading. If someone were to make a cartoon toast creature, this slice would be an ideal model to base it upon. You could easily imagine it sprouting arms and legs, grabbing a microphone, and beginning to croon a tune about breakfast nutrition for morning television.

"All it needs is a pair of googly eyes," Jeremy said.

"You got it," I said, heading downstairs.

"Wait..." He called after me, "You actually have GOOGLY EYES on hand?"

"For just such an emergency as this," I said, returning with a baggie of googly eyes in varying sizes.

"You're kidding," he said.

"What kind of a crafter would I be if I didn't have access to googly eyes when I needed them?"

And of course I pulled out the camera for an impromptu photo shoot.

"I think he looks kinda suspicious," Jeremy said.

"Nah, he's just shy," I replied.

But we both agreed that he is definitely male. Then Jeremy devoured him. (Sans the eyes.)

Incidentally, for the first time ever, I connected the term "googly eyes" to the popular search engine "Google." It makes sense! Both "Google" and "googly eyes" have to do with eyes—perhaps the act of looking or searching. They're both FUN. They share five of their six letters.

Of course, Google claims that the word is based upon "Googol," a mathematical term that means a 1 followed by 100 zeros. But I have to believe that someone at Google made the "googly eyes" connection early on, but it didn't sound quite sophisticated enough, so it was never included in the official story.

I just LOVE this definition of "googly eyes," found on Wikipedia:

"Googly eyes or wiggly eyes are large, bulging or rolling craft findings used to imitate eyes. The eyes traditionally are composed of a clear, hard-plastic shell, with a smaller, black plastic disk trapped within. The inner black disk is allowed to move freely within the larger clear plastic shell, which makes the eyes appear to move. Googly eyes are mainly involved in arts and crafts and are sometimes glued to inanimate objects for the purposes of portraying personification and humour."

Hilarious, right? Such a sober, academic, and accurate tone used to describe something as silly and inane as googly eyes.