Open letter to family and friends:
For the second year in a row, I am about to spoil your Christmas surprise by revealing eight items that you will not be receiving from me this year. (Also see last year's list, which is still in effect.)
1. Chew By Numbers Art Board
One word: yuck. Keep your gum where it belongs—stuck to the bottoms of the tables at McDonald's. (Wondering where to find brown gum? It's included in the $14.99 gift package.)
2. Lancome Oscillation Mascara
For just $34, this vibrating mascara brush will deliver 7,000 oscillations per minute, thus "re-creating the application technique of a makeup artist." I'd like to see the makeup artist who can oscillate like that! And I'd venture to say that all the women on my gift list are oscillating just fine on their own.
3. Precious Moments Personalized DVD
There's something a little bit creepy about seeing a frozen human head on a cartoon body. ("Frozen" meaning the expression never changes, rather than the grosser connotation.) This might be a fun gag gift for a company party, though. Submit the boss's face to the video (just $19.99), and have everyone in stitches! There's nothing quite like getting fired for Christmas.
4. Bacon-Flavored Dental Floss
This product definitely outshines last year's Bacon Scarf. But honestly, who wants to go to bed with bacon flavoring between their teeth? If you do, and you're on my Christmas list, you're out of luck. You're also not getting Homemade Bacon Jam this year, so don't get your hopes up. (It's a 3+ hour endeavor!)
5. The Shake Weight
Nothing says "I think you're fat" like the gift of exercise equipment for Christmas. (Unless it was specifically requested, of course.) As lovely and lean as this fitness model may be, this product could have unintended side effects. You think your upper-arm flab is going to behave itself while you're desperately trying to hold on to a vibrating weight? Jiggle city. Usage is best confined to the comforts of your own home, unless you have teenagers, as they will laugh themselves silly.
6. Tooting Angel
While there are surely one or two people on my gift list whose holidays will not be complete until they've been tooted upon by an angel, these people will just have to purchase their own flatulent seraphim.
7. Electronic T-Shirts
Most children I know are loud enough all on their own without giving them option of wearing a set of drums (or a guitar) on their chests all day long. Sorry, nieces and nephews, you'll have to settle for drumming on pots and pans, as these can be taken away from you without requiring a simultaneous change of clothes.
8. Snuggie for Dogs
The marketing materials for the Doggie Snuggie assert that "The Snuggie won't slip and slide like a regular blanket and allows freedom of movement." You know what else doesn't slip and slide? Fur. Yeah, fur is pretty much a built-in blanket. I do get that some doggies (who aren't nearly as tough as Jovie) need sweaters or little parkas for cold winter walks. But this product is designed to be worn inside.
So, what are you hoping to NOT get this year?
