The October issue of Real Simple convinced me that I absolutely have to renew my subscription, even though I have a stack of unread issues 12-inches tall. But it's fall, and I'm ready to settle in to the old-magazine reading, new-recipe trying, home-improvement attempting season of the year. This issue covered at least three topics that are very close to my heart, and I found myself tearing out page after page to share with someone or save and follow up on later. (One favorite find? Yoga Bear, a non-profit association that provides free yoga sessions to cancer survivors. I'm so sharing this link with my sweet sister-in-law, Becky.)
And the last page made me laugh:
I was inspired to impose my own list of new fees, also effective October 1, so you have about two weeks to indulge in all the bad behavior you want before the fees take effect.
- Saying "bless her little heart" after saying something horrible: $8.50
Example: "She smells like she's been sleeping at the county dump, bless her little heart."
- Uttering "Wow, you must have a LOT of time on your hands": $63
We can all see through this veiled insult, which really means: "I can't believe you spend your time on THAT." Or perhaps, "I'm way too busy and important to waste my valuable time on something so ridiculous."
- Sharing an email address with one's spouse instead of having an individual email identity: $.05 per email
How will the rest of us email to ask, "Hey Mabel, what would Hank like for his birthday?" Are we expected to actually pick up the phone? Have separate accounts, but know your spouse's password so you can spy on him, if that's the concern. (His password is probably your first name and your bra size anyway.)
- Lecturing the person on the other end of the phone when YOU'RE the telemarketer: $175
After I tried to politely decline a set of SAT-prep DVDs 10 different ways, I finally said, "I'm sorry, I don't make decisions about my stepson's education without consulting his dad." The woman interrupted to say, "But you ARE making decisions about his education BY NOT ACCEPTING THIS FREE TRIAL!!!"
- Using "overwhelm" as a noun: $.50
Example: "Are you ready to relax this weekend or are you a victim of 'overwhelm'?"
- Responding with a "we'll see" when YOU'RE the teenager: one month's allowance
Us: "Okay, son, you and Nick have fun at Libby's, but be home by 11."
Fifteen-year-old: "We'll see."
- Texting in a movie theater, while movie is playing: $37.50
Unless you're a doctor, no text is so important that it can't wait 90 more minutes.
- Making a big deal about how "full" one is at the end of a meal: $5
Either stop before getting that full, or just keep your gastric condition to yourself.
- Awarding additional "acting" roles to Nicholas Cage: $15 million
